Dear God,
You have said that we are to love our neighbors as we love
ourselves. But I have a problem with
that. It is all too easy at times for me
to “love my neighbor” but I struggle to love myself. There was a time where I believed that true humility
meant looking in the mirror and pointing out everything of myself that I hated
so that I would not grow proud of myself.
And I thought that I could love others while at the same time hating
myself.
Well, they say that hindsight is twenty twenty and I am now
realizing what you meant. When I hated
myself, I did try to love others but can it truly be called love when I doubt
their every action and word? I had
friends but I never trusted them with myself.
Since I hated myself, it was only logical of me to believe that
everything of myself that I hated, others could see and hate too. So that while I was friends with people, I
didn’t believe that they were friends with me. For years I believed that no one really
liked me for me but just hung out with me because they would feel bad if they
left me out. How is that love?
God, you have given us examples of what true love does and I
can honestly say that I don’t think that I loved anyone for years because I
could not let go of the hatred that I had for myself. Love is a verb and I didn’t really act like I
loved people, at least in my thoughts.
I can’t remember when it started but one day You showed that
I needed to love myself but it has been slow, Lord. How could I get over years of hatred in just
a few days? It took years and it is
still at work in my life. I know that I couldn’t have gotten as far as I
did without your help though and I am just so grateful that you are willing to
help me. I no longer regularly call
myself stupid and retarded and ugly. I
barely hear the echoes of the words from third grade when perhaps it all
started and I heard someone say, “Don’t worry about her, she’s retarded.” Those words colored my existence and perception
of how others see me for years but no more.
I can now honestly say I love myself.
And by Your words, I can now also say that I love
others. I no longer cry myself to sleep
at least once a week over how much I think people hate me and don’t like
me. I no longer believe that friends are
only friends because of their conscious and not because they actually like
me. I can be myself without fear of
making others hate me more because I know that they don’t hate me to begin
with. When people actually dislike me,
I am okay with that because I know that it probably has nothing to do with all
the reasons that I used to hate myself and may just have to do with a
personality clash.
Dear Lord, may I never go back to the way that I was. When people insult me, let me laugh it off
rather than taking everything to my fragile heart to let it get hurt some
more. Let me be strong in ways that I never
knew was possible and let my life be a reflection of how You want us to love. May I love others, yes, but let me first love
myself so that I can do it properly and without restraint. May I be so focused on Your will for my life
that my insecurities and lingering self-doubts fade away to the awesome power
of Your plans. May my love for myself
and for You be so overflowing that I can’t help but splash it onto those who
surround me and love them as I love both myself and You. May I never return to the way that I once was
and may my every action only bring me closer to how You want me to love and
live.
In Your Most Loving Name, Amen.
(711 words)
No comments:
Post a Comment