6.2

Who am I?

When I was young, I would try to figure out which Bible character would I be.  Could I be Job, remaining faithful even at the loss of everything?  Could I be Esther, bravely standing before the king for the lives of her people even though she could earn death by doing so?  Could I be Mary, accepting the baby Jesus into my womb even while knowing the shame I could bring upon my family by doing so?  Could I be Moses, leading the difficult Israelites through the wilderness?  How about Ruth, abandoning her people for this foreign God?  Or maybe Abraham, raising the knife to kill my only son, trusting that God has a plan?  Perhaps Paul, spreading the gospel to the Gentiles?  Who would I be?

Throughout my childhood, I imagined myself as many different characters from the Bible and imagined that I would do the same or better than them.  As I got older, I became more honest with myself and began to know myself better.  I would never bless God after he killed my children, invite the wannabe murderer of my people to dinner, and willingly become pregnant out of wedlock.  I would hate the Israelites too much to lead them, love my people too much to leave them, and love my son too much to kill him.  And I’m pretty sure I would take a break after the second time I almost died rather than keep preaching to the ones who wanted me dead.  I am not any of them.

Determined to find my person in the Bible, I fell upon a passage in the Old Testament.  Not even a whole verse but just part of one.  “And his brothers were jealous of him . . .” (Genesis 37:11 ESV).  Oh dear.  Joseph’s brothers were jealous of him.  Crap, crap, crap.  I find myself most like the brothers of Joseph.  Is it too late to change my mind about having my own personal, relatable Bible character?  Please?  There are some characters in the Bible that children in Bible school don’t want to be when they grow up.  When was the last time that you heard a child say that they wanted to be Jezebel?  Or Herod?  Or the Pharisees?  Or the Pharoah?  Now, I would never say that Joseph’s brothers are at the top of the list of Don’t-Ever-be-like-Them-Ever but they are getting there.  And I found myself to be most like them.

Most of my childhood was spent being jealous of my brothers.  I was jealous of when they received more birthday presents than me.  I remember counting both Andrew’s and my presents when we had a joint birthday party at McDonald’s when I still went to public school before 3^rd grade.  I was jealous when they received birthday parties and I didn’t.  I was jealous that they seemed to make friends easier than I did.  I was jealous when Andrew was closer to the youth group within his first few months than I was after two years.  I am still jealous of how many friend’s they have in the area that they are invited to hang out with.  I am even still more jealous of how much closer they are to each other than I am.  I am a very jealous person of them. 

Don’t get me wrong though!  I love them more than anything!  They’re my brothers!  I surprised my friend the one day when she almost said something critical about Matthew and I jumped on her case so fast she could only blink in surprise and wonder where in the world did that come from.  But I am jealous of them.  I am working on it.  I am praying about it.  I’m not about to plot to murder them, throw them in a dry well, or sell them as slaves though I may be tempted sometimes.  One of the reasons why they are so much closer to each other than they are to me is because I went off to college while they both stayed home.  Another reason is that they both have girlfriends who are really close to each closer than they are to me again and they will go on double dates together. 

I’m not about to cry myself to sleep about it.  Though I may later and I have before.  But it is something that I have seen and that is half the battle.  Now that I know what my problem is, I can work on it.  I can hang out with my brothers more when I am home.  I can make more of a conscious effort to talk more with their girlfriends.  I can try to re-connect with more friends from high school.  And above all, I can pray about it.  While I may be more like the jealous brothers than I am Joseph, I have God with me and one day I may be able to say that I am like one of the admirable characters of the Bible.

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